When Everything Becomes So Cold
by RISVULove
Summary: Slightly-Rizzles. M rated, angst-y oneshot- TW's inside. What happens when Jane can't go on anymore? When she's sick of pretending everything's alright when it's furthest from alright than it could possibly be. R&R.


**AN: okay, just to let you know this one shot is very very angst-y and has a major character death. TW: Self harm/Depression.**

What do you do when you can't take it anymore? When everything you love- everything you lived for- just doesn't seem worth the effort.

I sit alone in my apartment, my eyes raw from all the crying I've done the past couple of days. I'm such a screw up.

I've pushed everyone I love away, even Maura, the one person I'd love to hold more than anything, the one person who understands me.

She wouldn't understand this, hell, I don't understand this.

I take one last mouthful of my last beer and sigh, for some reason I'm not afraid, I'm not upset, I'm not anything. This doesn't feel wrong.

I've thought a lot about this lately (that probably should've been a sign I needed some help) ya know, how I'd go. I considered my gun but that actually did scare me, it wasn't the dying, it was more the certainty of using the gun.

At least if I use the blade I can think, think of happier times while I wait for death.

I need to leave a note don't I? I can't just go without a goodbye- especially not to Maur, she needs a goodbye. What does someone say though? Apologising seems wrong because, honestly, I'm not sorry. Sure, I'm sorry for the pain I'd put them through but I'm really not sorry for doing this.

That's a start, okay.

I pull myself up onto my worn out legs and make the agonising journey across the room- agonising from the aches I feel in every muscle, the lack of effort I'm putting in and well, the alcohol.

I grab the notepad and pen and make my way back to the couch, making sure I'm comfortable before I start writing

_Dear Maur,_

_Please read this carefully because I need you to at least attempt to understand. Maura, my genius, I'm so sorry I didn't get to say goodbye in person, give you one last hug before this happened but I couldn't, you'd be smart enough to know what was happening and try to stop me. I didn't want to be stopped Maur. I've been so worn out lately, things that used to make me smile didn't anymore- you made me smile briefly but it wasn't the same. It never could be again. I love you Maura Isles, more than I should and I wish that alone would have made me feel well enough to keep going. I am so sorry I've hurt you by doing this but Maur, please don't hate me too much. I'll always watch over you- even if you don't believe in the afterlife, I'll stick around for you, keep you out of trouble, ya know? One thing though, please keep an eye on Ma and the boys for me, I worry they won't handle this well. And Maur, remember me, please. I'll never forget the one woman who I love as much as I love you. Love- present tense- because even if I'm not around, my love for you is._

_ Love Jane xx_

I'm in tears by the end of the letter but I know, as upset as I am about leaving Maura, this needs to be done. I can't keep living like this, pretending everything's okay when it isn't.

I just can't, not anymore. I've been doing it for years now, it's just too much.

I fold the note and put it on the coffee table, scrawling her name across the front in big black print. I know, now I've said what I had to say that this is the right decision to make. It really is.

I grab the small black handled steak knife from the table and rest against the closest wall, dropping into a sitting position.

I close my eyes and rest the blade of the knife along the length of my wrist, pushing, pushing- deeper and deeper until the blood comes in a steady stream landing down onto the cream carpet on my living room floor.

I watch briefly, watch the destruction I'm front of my eyes and then I switch the knife to the other blood stained hand and repeat my actions on this wrist

I feel my energy drain, like somebody's sucking the life from me and as my mind fogs I imagine her, one last time. Pressing my lips to hers, running my hands through her long, beautiful hair. God, I love her. She's been that little glimmer of light the past year- honestly she's stopped me doing this sooner. I just couldn't hold out anymore I needed my permanent release from life's grasp.

I'm startled by a banging on my door, what the hell? It's locked, who ever it is can't get in and honestly even if they could there's not much they could do at this point, I'm gone too far.

"JANE, LET ME IN!"

It's her, Maura! She's here. Oh..

My shoulders slump forward and I know by the time she sees me I'll be gone, even if she had a key, I just pray she isn't alone- she'd be so scared if she found me like this alone.

I love you Maura, please, don't hate me for this. Please.

xx

***Maura's POV***

"JANE, LET ME IN!"

I sigh fumbling around in my purse for the spare key Angela gave me. None of us have heard from Jane for a while and we're worried- especially now when she's not answering the door to me

God Jane, what're you doing!

I find the key and shove it in the lock, turning it quickly and rushing inside, down her wooden boarded hall and into the living room- my eyes are drawn to her like a moth to a flame.

"JANE!"

I trip on her rug as I rush to her side but when I get there and frantically search for some sign of life I'm horrified- she's gone

My breaths quicken, no. No. No.

She isn't. She couldn't have had.

I notice the bloods stopped oozing from the deep, obviously self inflicted, gashes on her wrists but she's still warm- hot. She's not... dead long.

I slam my eyes shut as I curl in beside her, stroking her hair "Jane, w-why, what.. I'm so s-sorry I didn't come over sooner. I'm sorry I n-never noticed, didn't help. Oh God Jane, what'll I do without you" I sob into myself, giving myself a few minutes with her before I call emergency services, Tommy, Frankie.. Angela.

"I love you Jane, I could've helped" I whisper against her despite knowing I'm talking to myself

I need to call them- I'll call Tommy first, I know I can't call Angela because she'll be to upset to drive.

I push myself onto instead legs and force myself to walk to my purse which I discarded in the hall when I saw her first.

As I walk past the table I see it- my name on a piece of paper, a note?

I reach out my trembling hand and unfold the note- reading every word carefully as I was ordered too

By a couple lines in the tears are streaming down my cheeks steadily again and I bite my tongue

I should've known something was wrong. I should've stopped her-

_I didn't want to be stopped Maur._

_I've been so worn out lately, things that used to make me smile didn't anymore- you made me smile briefly but it wasn't the same._

_It never could be again._

Nothing I would've said could've stopped this, it was what Jane wanted, what she felt she needed.

_And Maur, remember me, please._

Yeah, like I could forget the most perfect thing in my life. My first true love- and who I reckon to be my only true love. Nobody can compete with Jane Rizzoli. No matter how hard the try.

I fold the piece of paper, shoving it into my jeans pocket and I grab my cell phone, calling Tommy- who picks up after the first few rings

"Hey Maur"

I do the best I can to hold back my tears, he sounds so much like her "Tommy, you need to come over to Jane's apartment, bring Angela and Frankie, there's been an accident..."

"Uh- sure, we'll be straight there"

I close my eyes as I disconnect the call

I'm lost.

I have no idea what to do? I can't just sit here, can I?

Ya know what, I think I can. I'm going to just take a minute to myself- think of Jane. Remember her.

It's probably best I do it now, when the boys and Angela arrive I'll be their rock, I won't be weak- at least not in front of them.

I'll have plenty of time to cry later when I'm alone, I'm going to take care of them when they arrive- like Jane asked me to.

What can one say to a family that's inconsolable?

"I'm sorry" doesn't seem to cut it.

I'm sure I'll think of something, I talk to families of the dead often- everything's just so much different when it's the people you love most you have to console.

Everything's going to be different from now.

From the worst day of my life until the end of my own- nothing'll ever be 'right' again.


End file.
